#median

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comedy #demetri-martin #fly #funny #humor

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#comedy #dogs #funny #humor #humorous

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do. ↗

— Louis C. K.

#i #i do #just #political

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and its sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. ↗

— Doug Stanhope

#doug #stanhope #life

The light. The light is so bright that all that remains is you and the darkness. You can feel the audience breathing. It's like holding a gun or standing on a precipice and knowing you must jump. It feels slow and fast. It's like dying and being born and fucking and crying. It's like falling in love and being utterly alone with God; you taste your own mouth and feel your own skin and I knew I was alive and I knew who I was and that that wasn't who I'd been up till then. I'd been so far away but I knew I was home. ↗

— Russell Brand

#performance #love

There really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode. ↗

— Tom Leykis

#appear #carson #comedian #explode #johnny

Comedians don't have a monopoly on suffering. But creative people are sometimes fortunate enough to be able to incorporate their most traumatic experiences into their art. ↗

— Matt Lucas

#art #comedians #creative #creative people #enough

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#always #bill #cartoonist #comedians #comedic

I realized that comedians of the day were operating on jokes and punch lines. The moment you say the punch line, the audience either laughs sincerely or they laugh automatically or they don't laugh. The thing that bothered me was that automatic laugh. I said, that's not real laughter. ↗

— Steve Martin

#automatic #automatically #bothered #comedians #day

I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers. ↗

— Steve Martin

#believed #best #comedians #comedic #entertainers