#median

I'm not a comedian. I'm an actor who just happens to be funny on occasion. ↗

— Anthony Anderson

#comedian #funny #happens #i #just

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion. ↗

— Fred Allen

#been #comedian #comedy #compelled #compete

I thought comedians had to have black on their faces or red beards. ↗

— Dorothy Gish

#black #comedians #faces #had #i

I feel I'm as qualified for office as any of the other comedians who are running. ↗

— Grace Hansen

#comedians #feel #i #i feel #office

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. ↗

— John Oliver

#hilarious #baseball

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people. ↗

— Peter Cameron

#funny

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#funny #humor #humorous #funny

Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not. Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Yes Jose: No we did not have a good day. Peanut: Yes we hhhaad...a great frickin' day! What? Jeff: Did you have a good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: A good day? Peanut: Yes Jose: No Peanut: Shut up Jeff: You're supposed to have taken him to the spa. Peanut: I took him to the spa! Jose: He put me in the vegetable steamer. Peanut: It's the same thing!!! ↗

— Jeff Dunham

#humor #jeff-dunham #jose-jalapeno-on-a-stick #peanut #humor

A lot of comedians, when they have a bad gig, will blame everything but themselves. They'll blame the crowd, or the room was wrong, it had a weird vibe, or the promoter promoted a weird atmosphere. ↗

— Allan Carr

#bad #blame #comedians #crowd #everything

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50. ↗

— Dana Carvey

#comedians #corporate #kicked #kind #laborious