#ny

Everyone is so cynical about the possibility of democracy today. But not me, I’m an idealist: democracy isn’t possible outside my own mind. According to my perceptions, this is a dictatorship. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#democracy #funny #humor #idealism #politics

I like food that speaks to me. Food like French toast, English muffins, and Deviled eggs. Oh, oval embryonic spawn of chicken, why hast thou deceived me? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #food

Behind her, Preston grunted and said, "I know it's not the right thing to say to a lady, miss, but you are sweating like a pig!" Tiffany, trying to get her shattered thoughts together, muttered, "My mother always said that horses sweat, men perspire, and ladies merely glow..." "Is that so?" said Preston cheerfully. "Well, miss, you are glowing like a pig! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#tiffany-aching #humor

What kind of monster are you anyway? You should be more humane, Gennady!" "I was humane when I was alive," said the vampire. ↗

— Sergei Lukyanenko

#vampire-humor #humor

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#applause #clap #clapping #discipline #funny

A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door that they want to stop people from opening it up? I don’t know, but it’s got to be diabolical, and if anything is to be stopped, it’s not the door—it’s the evil plan by the Door Master to take over the world.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Seriously, Jack, I think you might be the only guy in this city who hasn’t read his stuff. Collin McCann is like the Carrie Bradshaw of Chicago men.” “You mean Terry Bradshaw,” Jack corrected. “No, Carrie,” Wilkins repeated. “You know, Sarah Jessica Parker. Sex and the City.” A silence fell over the room as Collin and Jack stared at Wilkins, seriously fearing for the fate of men. ↗

— Julie James

#fbi #funny #humor #julie-james #men

Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.” The Black Company pg 447 ↗

— Glen Cook

#the-black-company #humor

A woman never reveals her national origins. Once people know that, none of her information is personal. Soon they'll want to know her religion, her marital status, and her real hair color. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #mysterious #women #funny

I’m not sure how people drink out of skulls,” Jinx added. Calvin had too many holes in him to make a good cup. ↗

— Sage Blackwood

#irony #humor