#ny

How about a rain check?' She smiles, but I know it's not real because it doesn't crinkle her eyes. 'Sure. Some other time.' I nod and grab my car keys. Before I flip the light on in the grage, she's behind me, tugging on my backpack. 'You want to go to school? Fine. But you're not driving. Give me the key.' 'I'm okay, Mom, really. I'll see you tonight.' I plant a quick kiss on her cheek and turn to the door again. 'That's nice. Give it to me.' She holds out her hand. I clench the key in my fist. 'You practically shoved that car down my throat Monday, and now youre taking the key. What did I do?' 'What did you do? Well, for starters, you used your face to stop a cafeteria door from swinging open. ↗

— Anna Banks

#funny #humor #of-poseidon #funny

I remember that story. You have read it four times." Samson shrugged. "Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says, 'That was a fine piece of music. I'll never listen to that again." But some people treat books that way. Not I! ↗

— Karen A. Wyle

#funny #humor #reading #funny

What’s outside my head and what’s inside my head aren’t worth mentioning. What’s worth mentioning is what’s on my head – my hair. Whatever happens, I’ll still be as fashionably coiffed as I was before the war broke out and I got dementia. ↗

— Bauvard

#hair #humor #funny

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essays #funny #hilarious #humor

[Kurt Cobain] had a lot of German in him. Some Irish. But no Jew. I think that if he had had a little Jew he would have [expletive] stuck it out. ↗

— Courtney Love

#germans #germany #ireland #irish #jews

For native wit, I only chuckle in American comedy clubs. The jokes about reservations and alcoholism make me feel ashamed, but I don’t want to offend anybody. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #native-americans #funny

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factory #funny #humor #kids #labor

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up. “I thought you must be dead …” he said simply. “So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #lemon #funny

What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#irony #racism #tolkien #werewolves #humor