#t

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#buy #everything #good #i #i am

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#building #choose #down #elevator #escalator

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#friend #only #you

For better or worse, I've been involved in the description of political conflict. ↗

— John le Carre

#better #conflict #description #i #involved

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#except #funeral #i #same #saying

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#confusing #die #fun #i #other

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#dangerous #driver #drunk #persuasive #very

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#asked #clothing #i #into #lady

There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#comfortable #gets #i #less #like

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. ↗

— Demetri Martin

#day #forward #i #looking #looking forward