#y

When they ran up to him, Percy said, 'Hey,' like they were just meeting for lunch or something. 'You're alive!' Frank marveled. Percy frowned. 'The fall? That was nothing. I fell twice that far from the St. Louis Arch.' 'You did what?' Hazel asked. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#hazel #humor #percy #humor

Wroth, darling,” she purred, smiling so sweetly. “I can’t wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you.” In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free. ↗

— Kresley Cole

#humor #humorous #humor

You made me feel less alone; you made me feel not quite so deformed, uninformed and hunchbacked. ↗

— Morrissey

#life #love #lyrics #music #humor

Alan: Conning people out of their savings. Forgery. Blackmail. Selling real estate on Mars. We could have it all. You with me, Bambi?" Sin: "Clive, I was with you from 'I'm a social worker. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#young-adult #humor

I don’t believe him,” said Hermione in a very unsteady voice, the moment they were out of earshot of Hagrid. “I don’t believe him. I really don’t believe him. . . .” “Calm down,” said Harry. “Calm down!” she said feverishly. “A giant! A giant in the forest! And we’re supposed to give him English lessons! Always assuming, of course, we can get past the herd of murderous centaurs on the way in and out! I — don’t — believe — him! ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#centaurs #duty #humor #promises #humor

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes. ↗

— Cherry Adair

#military #romantic-suspense #humor

Claire watched as Shane hunted around and came up with a small crowbar, which he used to lever open the seals on the top of the barrel. The top was hinged in the middle, Claire realized, and he flipped that part over. "Score," he said, and raised the crowbar in triumph. "Who's your daddy?" Myrnin stared at him as if he'd gone completely mental. "Excuse me?" "Figure of speech," Claire said hastily. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#humor

If we happened to be in rehearsal downstairs in my room and a neighbor padded across the lawn to rap gently on the window and ask us to please be more quiet, Natalie might simply lift up her skirt and mash her vagina against the window while extending her middle finger. ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#humor #hysterical #vagina #humor

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!' 'Talk?' He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. 'We talk all the time, Raine. I've never had such talkative sex.' 'That's just it!' She wiggled, flailed, but couldn't budge him. 'Two minutes alone with you, and I'm flat on my back. Every single time!' A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. 'Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top? ↗

— Shannon McKenna

#humor #relationships #sex #funny

You know how to pray, don’t you? Just put your hands together and hope. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor