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sometimes I feel like killing myself, I think about it. then accept I'm too much of a pussy to actually die and stop existing and that I need to be here for a reason but I haven't found a reason or a purpose to live for or die for somethings always changing my mind. other days I feel like doing everything and greeting everyone and being someone in life I want to be a medic, a navy seal, a firefighter, a marine, a surgeon, a doctor, a gastrointestinologist , a physical therapist a masseuse, a gardener, a teacher, a painter,, a farmer, a swimmer, an inventor, a nutritionist, a famous DJ, a world renown producer, a fashion designer, many things, , . then suddenly I feel like I don't deserve life and I'm a waste of life and I want to take a bunch of anesthetic numbing medication and something that'll kill me fast and painlessly and go quietly but then If I do there's a chance ill shit my pants and vomit and ill die dizzy and uncomfortable and smelly, cause id do it with a gun but that'd be too messy and I don't want a gross hole in my skull and brain matter all over the place, and plus I don't have a place to kill myself and I don't wanna do it at someone's house, that's just disrespectful. id slit my wrists but that would hurt, and If I did coke my heart would be pumping and id be alive and dying simultaneously. my mind is everywhere, I just want a simple mind. :( and a normal life goddamnit, I wanna get laid, I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna love, I wanna stop watching porn so much, I wish I was more social, I'm skeptical about believing in god, sometimes i do then i don't then i feel guilty because then i go running back and then rejecting it and afraid god will reject me for always being a believer and a non believer
I was attacked yesterday for looking at the actor patrice in lady hear me tonight video and yeh I said I liked him 10 years ago and 20 years ago and no one bullied me then? its not nice people doing this shit on me. I should be allowed to like what I want.
I am sick of being bullied over this stuff.
is it just due to my ignorance?
i feel cheated, depressed about no rights, no word back no phone call over lost mail and money cheque. got on to ombudsmen and parliament and no word yet. suppose i am just another complaining old bag to them, always calling complaining - they must know me well as the complainer.
college upsetting me, health worrying me- feeling dizzy a lot, never enough money lately.
I am the worst in the world if I am happy for others but people never are for me.
I get abused and I am supposed to pretend and I won't
i speak the truth. i am the worst in the world to see bad in others, like cousin off loading her kids, my aunty drinking and
don't want her ripping me off, ballet isn't their thing. I get most of the shit thrown at me, don't know if i can trust my cousin or not.
she is not a open deep conversation person. and distant. i shouldn't miss judge her. give her the benefit of the doubt?
but then roz says I could tell you more that would shock me, well please do. i want to know if it regards me or what i have missed out on.
high tea disappointing, no friends.
money worries and pets sick, i have literally had fleas in my hair, bed, clothing on the bus etc. and house messy. no one to help with everyone sick here, father too proud and stropy to allow others to come in and help clean house
I have been frauded everywhere I ever been.
Just had dinner with my fiancé. Lovely meal, nice wine etc. went to the bathroom afterwards, wasn’t concentrating, looked down to see I’d peed all over the floor, missing the urinal entirely! I’m really sorry. Probably won’t go back there for a while!
Those who have Adhd,Asd are intelligent individuals these individuals could have gone higher. Look at the education systems & you you want to know why they assume they cant excell is due to the fact they look at thrm just like the rest of thee crippled & individuals who have impairments.those who have adhd & ASD have just as much a chance to ecell with the rest of those who havr no impairments. ADHD & ASD is a psychological condition. I advocating for those who had ADHD three of them one with a masters degree, one with a two year degree & one with a Bachelors.
I caught my little sis and boyfriend screwing. It was such a weird feeling. I liked and didn't like it at the same time. They were going at it and getting into it like I have never seen or experienced. I just stood there silently and watched. Now I am so confused in so many ways and no idea what to think or do. I confess to being lost.
I....I once ate a pickle that had been on the floor for a staggering 16 seconds...
I know, I know...its bad, its REALLY fuckin bad. But I just had to get it off my chest, for a while at least...
I think that, no I KNOW that I later will experience the repercussions of my immistakably heretical doing...
I understand that mercy is beyond me...forgivness is lost, and redemption is nearly unreachable
My punishment is IMMINENT...and I have to accept that this herecy is an insurmountable flaw...
Im deeply sorry, sincerely Casual Satanist
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