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sometimes I feel like killing myself, I think about it. then accept I'm too much of a pussy to actually die and stop existing and that I need to be here for a reason but I haven't found a reason or a purpose to live for or die for somethings always changing my mind. other days I feel like doing everything and greeting everyone and being someone in life I want to be a medic, a navy seal, a firefighter, a marine, a surgeon, a doctor, a gastrointestinologist , a physical therapist a masseuse, a gardener, a teacher, a painter,, a farmer, a swimmer, an inventor, a nutritionist, a famous DJ, a world renown producer, a fashion designer, many things, , . then suddenly I feel like I don't deserve life and I'm a waste of life and I want to take a bunch of anesthetic numbing medication and something that'll kill me fast and painlessly and go quietly but then If I do there's a chance ill shit my pants and vomit and ill die dizzy and uncomfortable and smelly, cause id do it with a gun but that'd be too messy and I don't want a gross hole in my skull and brain matter all over the place, and plus I don't have a place to kill myself and I don't wanna do it at someone's house, that's just disrespectful. id slit my wrists but that would hurt, and If I did coke my heart would be pumping and id be alive and dying simultaneously. my mind is everywhere, I just want a simple mind. :( and a normal life goddamnit, I wanna get laid, I wanna kiss a girl, I wanna love, I wanna stop watching porn so much, I wish I was more social, I'm skeptical about believing in god, sometimes i do then i don't then i feel guilty because then i go running back and then rejecting it and afraid god will reject me for always being a believer and a non believer
I love to wear my wife's panties and lingerie and take headless photos to send to some of her friends on social media as they tell me about some of her sex stories from college
Scared is the word I would use right now to define my life at the moment. It's not just school, I am scared of being left alone. I think my boyfriend is about to leave me for someone else. I know he's having an affair with another woman, but I can't leave him. I can't be alone right now so I have to take it I guess. It's just a matter of time until he realizes what a boring and annoying person I am and then he'll leave me forever.
I am scared of people. Social anxiety is nothing to take lightly.
Sometimes I even can't leave my house or my bed. Other people scare me. They might talk to me. What do I reply?
I think I need help.
I do not believe we were meant to be a monogamous species and that the Catholic church, in their quest for social order centuries ago, made it a practice.
I feel like I'm not good enough for people to even bother with me. I don't really talk to anyone because I have literally no social instinct and I'm extremely socially awkward. When I'm around other people, I don't really want to socialize, but then I'll be alone and wish I talked to people more. Any ideas on how I fix this?
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