David Sedaris

He's as nutty as a vegan T-bone. ↗

— David Sedaris

#simile #vegan #simile

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity. ↗

— David Sedaris

#guilt #humor #ponder #humor

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves. ↗

— David Sedaris

#teaching #humor

Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor #humor

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head. ↗

— David Sedaris

#hotels #humor #death

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor

They're hungry for something they know nothing about, but we, we know all too well that the price of fame is the loss of privacy. ↗

— David Sedaris

#humor