#absurd

I am one pair of roses away from the grave,” I told the midget with the twelve-inch erection. It wasn’t his—he was just holding it for a friend (that impressive penis belonged to a much taller man). Ah, but that’s life, no?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#death #erection #grave #life #midget

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #surreal #age

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

Dear Edmond, While you were sleeping this afternoon, I was busy hustling around town. You see, when I woke up early this morning to clean the apartment for the party tonight, I noticed that all your furniture was missing. And by all, I do mean everything. So I raced around town trying to replace all your pieces. Fortunately, I did manage to pick up some new furniture. It looks exactly like your old furniture, only you're still missing the armoire that your grandmother left you in her will. But the great thing is they have one that looks exactly like your grandmother's armoire at the pawn shop just up the road. But there was some random good news today. In the cushions of the new sofa, the one that looks exactly like your old sofa, I found about $500 dollars. So I took the liberty of loading up the liquor cabinet and buying a keg. But I don't want you to be depressed about your armoire, or worry about paying me back for buying you all new furniture. Just promise me you'll have a good time at the party. And since I know that you are disappointed about having to pick up another armoire at the pawn shop, I won't even make you go half with me on the booze. I wouldn't dream of it. Friends help friends out when they are in need, right? I couldn't possibly accept $250 dollars from you. But I know how you are. You won't accept any gifts, right? You're so freaking stubborn. Well, if you really want to pay me back, you can slip the money in an envelope under my door after the party tonight. We're going to have a crazy night tonight! So cheer up, buddy. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#comical #funny #humor #party #ridiculous

The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1 ↗

— Josh Stern

#experience #pantene-humor #threesome #experience

The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation, and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be believed only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance, called faith. ↗

— Robert G. Ingersoll

#bliss #christ #eternity #faith #ignorance

All right, You Great Git, You've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I'll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic bangs. I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even You'll be ashamed of Yourself! No wonder You've so few friends. You're unbelievable! ↗

— Peter Cook

#food

Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#adore #adoring #adulation #death #delusion

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. ↗

— Woody Allen

#funny

I got a new car. I just need to put it together. They’re easier to steal piece by piece. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #stealing #theft #funny