#absurd

I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#designer #fashion #safety #design

A brick could make everything better for me. Now, if I could only find a way to get my hands on one. But it’s a silly dream, because I don’t have the ambition to get out from under my blanket and go out and grab the very thing I most desire. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#ambition #brick-and-blanket #desire #dream #hope

The first thing she told me after I hit on her was that she had a boyfriend of nine months, and I thought, what kind of sick bitch dates infants? ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #dating

The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1 ↗

— Josh Stern

#experience #pantene-humor #threesome #experience

The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation, and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be believed only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance, called faith. ↗

— Robert G. Ingersoll

#bliss #christ #eternity #faith #ignorance

Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with a fork. I’m as efficient as the government.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#beuracracy #eat #efficiency #efficient #food

I told her that my happy yellow teapot has a kinky backstory involving a nineteenth-century vegetarian sex cult in upstate New York whose members lived for three decades as self-proclaimed "Bible communists" before incorporating into the biggest supplier of dinnerware to the American food-service industry, not to mention harboring their most infamous resident, an irritating young maniac who, years after he moved away, was hanged for assassinating President Garfield. ↗

— Sarah Vowell

#yay-history #food

I am three forks away from eating all your food with two homeless guys. It’s too bad I only have a suitcase full of spoons and a bucket of soy sauce.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#food #funny #homeless #humor #nonsense

Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#adore #adoring #adulation #death #delusion

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. ↗

— Woody Allen

#funny