#funny

Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time. ↗

— Cecelia Ahern

#heart #humour #random #funny

Bad relationships are not lucrative at all. There is far more at stake in good relationships. Good relationships keep divorces protracted, psychologists employed, and children in jail where they belong. Without them society would collapse! ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #marriage #relationships #society #therapy

When horsepower matches willpower, a road trip doesn’t end with the ocean. It only begins with a six pack. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #horsepower #humor #road-trips #willpower

I am the last reflection of the hero. Laurels are out of fashion, so my decadence is showered with champagne. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #heroes #humor #funny

Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%!
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #coffee #funny #humor #random

I managed to beat Michael Phelps’ 400 meter IM time. And not only did I beat his time, but I did it in exactly 200 meters.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #compete #competition #competitive #delusional

Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, why don’t you go all out and write in Lucifer on the ballot?
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #politicians #politics

So you have your price. Your soul for a cookie. ↗

— James Patterson

#funny #humor #funny

You've brushed your teeth," He says, staring at me. "I used your toothbrush." His lips quirk up in a half smile. "Oh Anastasia Steele, what am I going to do with you? ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia #anastasia-steele #christian #fifty-shades #fifty-shades-of-grey

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF. ↗

— - Jordan Kyle Cassandra Clare

#humour #jordan-kyle #the-mortal-instruments #the-mortal-instruments-series #funny