#funny

Is this your holiday homework?" asked Sarah. "Don't do it, Rose! And Eve will write you a note to say it's iniquitous to give eight-year-olds homework. You will, won't you, Eve?" "I could never spell 'iniquitous,' Sarah darling!" "Hot concrete," said Rose mournfully, prodding her porridge. "Write this," ordered Saffron. "'The ancient Egyptians are all dead. Their days are very quiet.' Porridge is meant to look like hot concrete. Eat it up.... Read the next question!"... "What would you say if you bumped into Tutankhamen in the street?" "'Sorry!'" said Sarah at once. "Put that." "We have to answer in proper sentences." "'Sorry, but it was your fault! You were walking sideways! ↗

— Hilary McKay

#homework #morning #sisters #family

We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth. ↗

— John Hodgman

#areas-of-my-expertise #author #daily-show #funny #john-hodgman

When I was a little kid, I wrote this play about all these characters living in a haunted house. There was a witch who lived there, and a mummy. When they were all hassling him, this guy who bought the house - I can't believe I remember this - he said to them, 'Who's paying the mortgage on this haunted house?' I thought that was really funny. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#believe #bought #characters #funny #guy

I don't just try to be funny. ↗

— Bil Keane

#i #just #try

I brought you some coffee.” he held out the cup but she waved it away. “I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet.” At that he smiled. “How would you know what feet taste like?” “I just know.” -Luke and Clary, pg.209- ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#coffee #food-critics #funny #luke #food

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure." -Morelli And Stephanie ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor #morelli #stephanie-plum #food

It's not an accident that both my sister and I are writers. Our parents created an accidental Petri dish. My family has great storytellers, and I grew up in a very funny, conversational house and didn't have television. This small family farm was a bubble world that didn't have much to do with reality. ↗

— Elizabeth Gilbert

#accidental #both #bubble #conversational #created

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. ↗

— Al Gore

#about #all night #because #been #day

Dear God," said Nudge under her breath, "I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I want them to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks very much. Love, Nudge." Okay, so I'm not saying we were pros at this or anything. (Max thoughts) ↗

— James Patterson

#desire #funny #god #humor #learning

It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. ↗

— Dave Grohl

#child #funny #i #impersonations #like