#funny

Dave? This is John. Your pimp says bring the heroin shipment tonight, or he'll be forced to stick you. meet him where we buried the Korean whore. The one without the goatee." That was code. It meant "Come to my place as soon as you can, it's important. ↗

— David Wong

#funny #humor #random #funny

My ex girlfriend and I go long periods of time without speaking to each other. And in between those extended stretches, we fill the time with silence.
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— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

I want to be buried where I’m temporarily working without pay. As a permanent intern people will still walk all over me, but at least they'll remember my name - there will be a plaque under the memos. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #internships #remembrance #funny

A blanket could be used to reveal hidden mysteries. Quick, get naked and get under, and I will illuminate the night.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

The thing that's funny is that everyone thinks I'm dead. ↗

— Charles Nelson Reilly

#everyone #funny #i #thing #thinks

Indignation is often the best defense. ↗

— Diane Capri

#funny #justice-series #mystery #suspense #funny

Reality Sucks, I want my dreams back. ↗

— Sandra Chami Kassis

#dreams #funny #future #inspirational-quotes #life

A fellow who has a funny bone can learn to hone his skills, but I don't think you can develop a funny bone - you either have it or you don't. And by the way - when you get it, we don't know it. ↗

— Carl Reiner

#develop #either #fellow #funny #get

A blanket could be used to not only make promises, but fulfill them too. They're so soft and warm, how could they not be used in this manner?
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah, because that’s not the sort of smart decision DC makes.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny