#funny

What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?” “No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in a fist. “Rock, paper, scissors. Two out of three.” Ty rolled his eyes and held out his fist, apparently willing to play. Julian hit his palm three times, and Ty kept time with his fist in the air. But when Julian threw a paper, Ty reached into his jacket with his other hand and pulled his gun, aiming it at Julian. “Ty!” Zane said in exasperation from the front seat. “Glock, paper, scissors. I win.” “You are an ass,” Julian muttered. ↗

— Abigail Roux

#julian-cross #m-m-romance #snark #suspense #ty-grady

Today is your special day, even if today might be tomorrow to an Australian. And even though you’re not Australian, it doesn’t negate the fact that today may or may not be tomorrow. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #motivation #today #tomorrow #funny

Napoleon made war like I make love—from a height of about 68 centimeters. (I wear platform shoes while I’m on my knees) ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #napoleon #war #funny

If I ever go to China, I’m going to find a piano and play “Chopsticks”--only not with my fingers, but rather I’ll be using two forks. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#chopsticks #funny #piano #random #funny

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality! ↗

— John Green

#funny #the-fault-in-our-stars #funny

Did he teach you how to bore you opponents to sleep? Because I think I missed that lesson - Allie ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#funny-comebacks #funny

My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ↗

— Samuel Johnson

#funny #humour #review #funny

Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else. ↗

— Ilona Andrews

#ascanio #awesome #church #funny #hilarious

hey. I just wanted to make sure you got home," I say. "Katniss, I live three houses away from you," he says. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#fire #funny #games #hunger #funny

If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#lust #mannequin #funny