#funny

Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body. ↗

— Beth Fantaskey

#funny #vampire #dating

I had a dream about you last night. I could fly. I was going to use this power to impress you, but you were too heavy to carry, so I won you over with my personality instead ↗

— Michael Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

I had a dream about you. We were fishing in the Utah desert. You caught a dinosaur, but due to Federal regulations, we had to release the bones so Ted Kennedy could drive back to the cemetery, drunk.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

I had a dream about you last night. We were plug sockets in the bedroom. We saw only a short part of their day, but we knew everything of it. ↗

— Michael Summers

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

Love doesn’t spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with you—twice. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #surreal #age

I am a love factory. I make love out of high quality plastics at an affordable price. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That’s life. That’s love. That’s fiscally irresponsible.
 ↗

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

#baby #baby-names #birth #condoms #fiscally-irresponsible

I don’t have any regrets,” a famous movie actor said in an interview I recently witnessed. “I’d live everything over exactly the same way.” “That’s really pathetic,” the talk show host said. “Are you seeking help?” “Yeah. My shrink says we’re making progress. Before, I wouldn’t even admit that I would live it all over,” the actor said, starting to choke up. “I thought one life was satisfying enough.” “My God,” the host said, cupping his hand to his mouth. “The first breakthrough was when I said I would live it over, but only in my dreams. Nocturnal recurrence.” “You’re like the character in that one movie of yours. What’s it called? You know, the one where you eat yourself.” “The Silence of Sam.” “That’s it. Can you do the scene?” The actor lifts up his foot to stick it in his mouth. I reach over from my seat and help him to fit it into his bulging cheeks. The audience goes wild. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#celebrity #funny #regret #therapy #dreams

Its time for disc jockeys to turn their hands to clocks. The modern age needs a slower beat. ↗

— Bauvard

#disc-jockeys #funny #humor #time #age

Do animals understand the concept of dreams or do they think they enter another dimension when they get tired? ↗

— Christy Leigh Stewart

#dogs #funny-and-random #question #dreams