#funny

Rioter: a person who wants dinner, and needs a TV to eat it with. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #rioting #funny

My life is like a reality show. Whenever I cuss I bleep myself out with my air horn, and when my friends get naked I take off my glasses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #reality-shows #funny

Now and Laters. Starbust, Pixie Stix. If she gets too bitchy, just feed her this crap. As long as the sugar high is in effect, you and the wildlife should be safe ↗

— Gayle Forman

#funny

The critics hated it. What’s worse, not a single person in that audience could give any reasoned arguments. Why they came out just to waste their good judgment is another thing I’ll never know. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

If my name were C. Ross, I’d definitely be religious. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #religion #funny

Because to me, there is no logic of any kind behind misogyny. Therefore, it’s funny, because it’s so completely random to me. It’s senseless. ↗

— Joss Whedon

#joss-whedon #pro-feminist #whedon #funny

One could mention many loveable traits in Smee. For instance, after killing, it was his spectacles he wiped instead of his weapon. ↗

— J.M. Barrie

#humor #irony #j-m-barrie #killing #neverland

Must a name mean something?" Alice asked doubtfully. Of course it must," Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh; "my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. ↗

— Lewis Carroll

#funny #humor #humpty-dumpty #in-the-looking-glass #meaning

Her lips taste like mint from toothpaste or gum, or sometimes like cherries or grapes from her lip gloss. She's soft when I hold her, with curves where my hands rest, and when I touch her I think stupid caveman things like, mine and totally mine—oh yeah, and all mine. ↗

— Susan Vaught

#funny #humor #humour #in-love #kissing

I have been stabbed, poisoned, shot, beaten, possibly raped, subjected to hypothermia, and drowned, but still I dress up as Rasputin every Halloween for the Orthodox orgy. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#orgy #rasputin #funny