#funny

I saw you put rice in a toaster once," said Mae. "I was there when made the tin of beans explode." "It was faulty," Jamie protested, his eyes shifty. " I am sure of this. ↗

— Sarah Rees Brennan

#funny

Ares sighed "What are the three words said most often in our house?" "Not tonight, Ares?" Than offered. "Funny," Ares growled. "Cara never says that. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#sex #funny

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him? ~ Susan ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor #funny

She didn’t sound overjoyed. She didn’t sound even slightly joyed. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

I’m currently imagining a few creative ways of causing you extraordinary amounts of pain.” Kingsley raised his chin. Mere inches separated their faces. “Stop flirting. You know we don’t have time for that. ↗

— Tiffany Reisz

#humour #funny

A dancer on break approached him. She smiled. Each tooth was angled in a different direction, as if her mouth were the masterwork of a mad orthodontist. "Hi," she said. "Hi." "You're really cute." "I don't have any money." She spun and walked away. Ah, romance. ↗

— Harlan Coben

#funny

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #trees #funny

Those myths about Zeus and Hercules were always so real to me; I was crushed to discover that Mt. Olympus has been overshadowed by global warming. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #greek-gods #humor #myths #funny

America is not a place. America is an idea that died along with my grandfather. And I’m sorry to say that I shot them both. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#died #funny #idea #funny

Mooooon!” said the Ogre. “Tranquility …” Then he pointed at the full moon. “Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility.” Then he added, “It’s made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger.” Mickey sighed. “What’s his story?” the wraith asked. “He’s chocolate,” Mikey said. ↗

— Neal Shusterman

#clarence #funny #mikey #nick #wraith