#funny

I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley).
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— Jarod Kintz

#cats #choreography #dance #dancing #day

Zoey~ 'Listen to me, whinning about money and a scarf. Ah, hell! I'm starting to sound like Aphrodite.' Stark~ 'If you turn into Aprodite I'm going to stab myself.' Zoey~ 'If I turn into Aprodite, stab me first.' Stark~ 'Deal.' Zoey~ 'Deal. ↗

— P.C. Cast

#stark #zoey #funny

...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#cat #funny #funny

I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#book #funny #life #lifetime #read

I showed him the Post-it. “You see They’re from Lily.” “Who’s Lily?” “Some girl.” “Ooh … a girl!” “Boomer, we’re not in third grade anymore. You don’t say, ‘Ooh … a girl!’” “What? You fucking her?” “Okay, Boomer, you’re right. I liked ‘Ooh … a girl!’ much more than that. Let’s stick with ‘Ooh … a girl! ↗

— David Levithan

#teen #ya #funny

Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?
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— Jarod Kintz

#coffee #funny #hold #humor #jockstrap

The funny thing about mundies," Jace said, to nobody in particular, "is how obsessed with magic they are for a bunch of people who don't even know what the word means." I know what it means," Clary snapped. No, you don't, you just think you do. Magic is a dark elemental force, not just a lot of sparkly wands and crystal balls and talking goldfish." I never said it was a lot of talking goldfish, you-" Jace waved a hand, cutting her off. "Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#funny

Have voluptuousness for an appetizer and bulimia for dessert. Then you can glut yourself on love without getting full.   ↗

— Bauvard

#feasting #funny #humor #love #voluptuousness

It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#successful #twisted-logic #funny

Put your feet up, order a drink, and watch the chaos. Civilization is in recline. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #relaxing #funny