#funny

I didn’t sacrifice everything for love, just my mother when love required a caesarian. ↗

— Bauvard

#love #sacrifice #funny

I’ve always envied flies. Think about it: you’re a fly, your name is an action, the very thing you do all the time. It’s your innate action in life, the thing you were born to do. It’s like a salesperson who was named Sell. I love that. If I ever met a salesperson who said, “Hi, I’m Sell,” I’d reply, “And I’m sold!. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #salesman #funny

No. Because it's so stupid no Dauntless with any sense would speak it, let alone think it. Pansycake. What are you, twelve?" "And a half," he says. ↗

— Veronica Roth

#insurgent #pansycake #uriah #veronica-roth #funny

If you find yourself suddenly mated to a werewolf, whatever you do, don't panic. Simply turn to Jen for assistance and she will give you a cool acronym to call him…because that's just so important." -Sally ↗

— Quinn Loftis

#funny #humourous-situations #sally #funny

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing. ↗

— Dave Barry

#writing #funny

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #prudence #funny

If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#end-of-the-world #funny #humor #work #funny

Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about. ↗

— Ellen DeGeneres

#random #seriously-i-m-kidding #worth-reading #funny

It’s one thing to protect yourself,” Dad yelled at me during our very next lunch. “That I get. Have I ever told you not to defend yourself? No. But did you have to permanently maim him? I spent all that money on that on that fancy school for girls-not to mention all that money for the shrinks-and what did that get me?” I shrugged. “A seven-figure civil suit? ↗

— Meg Cabot

#mag-cabot #funny

I simply regard romantic comedies as a subgenre of sci-fi, in which the world created therein has different rules than my regular human world. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#life #romantic-comedy #science-fiction #funny