#funny

I want to know what it’s like to feel affection, compassion, kindness. I want to touch a wimp. But just a light brush against the clothes. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #sympathy #funny

I left my phone number on a napkin, along with trace amounts of spaghetti sauce and garlic bread grease, hoping she’d call me. And when she didn’t, I panicked and filed a missing person’s report with the police. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#hope #panic #funny

There are several theories on sex and all of them are lies. ↗

— Santosh Kalwar

#lies #sex #theories #funny

A politician is a politician whether he's wearing a suit or a funny hat. ↗

— Reza Aslan

#hamid-karzai #politicians #politics #funny

If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now. ↗

— Richard Kadrey

#power #funny

Ichirou: And I went through all the trouble preparing to explode with laughter...That wasn't funny at all! ↗

— Kou Matsuzuki

#funny

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #humour #religion #funny

I've lived a full life. I never once went hungry. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #hunger #life #funny

I want you to know, chickens aren’t sexy. Not to me.” This was met with silence. “Are you there?” She was slurring her words now, which was embarrassing, so she took a deep breath. “Cam? Can you hear me?” “Yes, chickens aren’t sexy. Uh…I don’t think they’re meant to be. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humour #romance #romantic-comedy #funny

Just at present you only see the tree by the light of the lamp. I wonder when you would ever see the lamp by the light of the tree. ↗

— G.K. Chesterton

#gabriel-syme #lamp #order #tree #funny