#funny

By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars. ↗

— Alison Croggon

#humor #sarcastic #funny

You don’t speak again, unless to use your safe word or yellow to indicate you’re frightened.” “I was at yellow the minute I walked in the door. ↗

— Cherise Sinclair

#erotic-romance #funny #romance #funny

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. ↗

— Stephen King

#funny #guess #houses #i #main

Arizona is the A to Z of abbreviations. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#arizona #funny #humor #funny

I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #politicians #politics #recipe

I scoured myself with lye soap from head to toe to get the evil funk of demon snot off me. I have flossed things the gods never meant to be flossed and used things that would be toxic to most living organisms. All to sanitize my body for your chewing pleasure. ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#funny

I bought a house in a depressed neighborhood. The prices weren’t low, but the people were all bummed out. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #real-estate #funny

My pen.’ Funny, I wrote that without noticing. ‘The torch’, ‘the paper’, but ‘my pen’. That shows what writing means to me, I guess. My pen is a pipe from my heart to the paper. It’s about the most important thing I own. ↗

— John Marsden

#funny

With no chance to take off, I had to play my role, searching for the rendezvous spot, which gave me the excuse to look for an escape opportunity. Maybe a hole in the wall too small for Tori’s mom to follow me through or a precarious stack of boxes I could topple onto her head or an abandoned hammer I could brain her with. I’d never “brained” anyone in my life, but with Tori’s mom, I was willing to try. ↗

— Kelley Armstrong

#funny

Agatha had rose-colored cheeks, and thorn-like warts all over her slender neck. When we’d make love, I’d pretend I was Helen Keller and her neck was the Book of Love. I like to think I wrote that book, but I didn’t. Orafoura did. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny