#funny

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? ↗

— James Thurber

#answer #called #did #i #number

Spontaneous human combustion is for superstitious atheists. I believe in deliberate human combustion. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

I'm jealous of your hooks," Kevin replied. "Having no hands is better than having two equally strong hands." Don't be ridiculous," one of the white-faced women replied. "Having a white face is worse than both of your situations." But you have a white face because you put makeup on," Colette said, as Sunny climbed back out of the trunk and knelt down in the snow. "You're putting powder on your face right now. ↗

— Lemony Snicket

#funny #humor #lemony #slippery-slope #snicket

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essays #funny #hilarious #humor

For native wit, I only chuckle in American comedy clubs. The jokes about reservations and alcoholism make me feel ashamed, but I don’t want to offend anybody. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #native-americans #funny

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factory #funny #humor #kids #labor

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age

Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up. “I thought you must be dead …” he said simply. “So did I for a while,” said Ford, “and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic. ↗

— Douglas Adams

#humor #lemon #funny

I want to meet a guy named Art. I'd take him to a museum, hang him on the wall, criticize him, and leave. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #criticize #funny #humor #meet

Calm your tits, pussycat. ↗

— Ella Dominguez

#erotic #funny-quotes #art