#funny

Did you feed the fish?” Nick closed his eyes. “Alexa, I’m working.” She made a rude snort. “So am I. But at least I worry about poor Otto. Did you feed him?” “Otto?” “You kept calling him Fish. That hurt his feelings.” “Fish don’t have feelings. And yes, I fed him.” “Fish certainly do have feelings. And while we’re discussing Otto, I wanted to tell you I’m worried about him. He’s placed in the study and no one ever goes in there. Why don’t we move him into the living room where he can see us more often? ↗

— Jennifer Probst

#funny

I can't see anything" he said in a muffled voice, hand over his eyes. "I'm blind. ↗

— L.J. Smith

#hilarious #funny

It's a funny thing, how much time we spend planning our lives. We so convince ourselves of what we want to do, that sometimes we don't see what we're meant to do. ↗

— Susan Gregg Gilmore

#life #planning #funny

When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law of 'Anomalous Phenomena Attraction.' He explained it to me once. Didn't really pay attention, but it boils down to 'weird shit pulls in more weird shit. ↗

— A. Lee Martinez

#paranormal #weird #funny

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong. ↗

— Kinky Friedman

#humorous #inspirational #life #funny

When I was alive, I mean the first time, Mussolini was in charge. We were at war.” “Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler? ↗

— Rick Riordan

#hazel-levesque #leo-valdez #lol #funny

For instance, dragons are deeply revered by the Chinese. According to legend they have megapowers that include weather control and life creation. And they’re seen as kind, benevolent creatures. Funny. Every fairy tale I’d ever heard involving dragons starred daring knights trotting off to kill said dragons. Probably the real reason every time East meets West they get pissed off and throw tea in our faces. ↗

— Jennifer Rardin

#jaz-parks #funny

To me love is like a cup of soapy dishwater. Sure, I’ll drink it, but I won’t swish it around in my mouth while you try to stuff filthy silverware down my throat. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#love #funny

You keep the title of 'president' even if you served only one term. The same goes for rapists. ↗

— Christy Leigh Stewart

#president #rape #title #funny

Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?'' ''Yes...'' ''I caught her staring at my lighter.'' I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?'' His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.'' ''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled. ''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back. ↗

— Michelle Hodkin

#love #noah-shaw #pain #quotes #romance