#funny

If you would have asked me a year ago if I believed in aliens, I’d have laughed and said no. But that was before the abduction. I don’t laugh as much anymore, mainly due to severe rectal bleeding.

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— Jarod Kintz

#alien #funny #funny

You know, if a waitress asks me if I want ketchup with my fries, I’ll reply, “No thanks, I’ll just drink water.” And that’s not just a statement about table etiquette; it’s a personal quote that accurately reflects my moral and philosophical belief system. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#non-sequitur #philosophy #funny

A good story should provoke discussion, debate, argument...and the occasional bar fight. ↗

— J. Michael Strazynski

#humor #j-michael-strazynski #story #writing #funny

Freud was a fraud, but he’d probably think I have a complex of some kind. Anal, oral, Orafoural, etc. While most kids wanted to grow up to be an astronaut, one of Barbara Streisand’s bras, a priest in sheep’s clothing, or an IRS employee, I always wanted to be my own clone. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #irs #funny

Agatha was a woman. All women are mortal. Therefore, Agatha must be dead.” -Orafoura ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#mortal #random #syllogism #funny

We’re adults. I might be a little more of an adult if you’re counting years but I bet I have a lower IQ, so that puts us pretty much even. ↗

— Robyn Carr

#cute #funny #humour #romance #romantic

That much sexual tension makes me want to hump a phone pole, and that’s just not attractive in a pregnant woman. ↗

— Amy Lane

#sexual-innuendos #funny

There really isn't much use in getting into a pissing contest since I have to sit down to pee anyway. ↗

— Tammy Blackwell

#funny

Once I started I couldn’t put it down. It was so addictive . . . like a train wreck. ↗

— Katie Klein

#cross-my-heart #funny #jaden-mcentyre #katie-klein #parker-whalen

A new baby! Why, Scarlett, this is a surprise!” he laughed, leaning down to push the blanket away from Ella Lorena's small ugly face." - Rhett Butler ↗

— Margaret Mitchell

#ironic #funny