#funny

I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#church #funny #humor #religion #funny

I said I’d drive to her place. But she lives in her car, so I don’t see why she couldn’t just drive her place to my place. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cars #compromise #funny #house #houses

I place a higher value on human life than on no human life. But only barely.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humanism #humanistic #humor #life #relationships

Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can." Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?" Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?" "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." ... I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at me. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam t-shirt. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#funny

I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that. ↗

— Jim Benton

#funny #scary #scowl #swan #tattoo

Look at the smile of a doctor as he delivers your baby, imagine the thrill as he makes the incision around your tumor. Then ask whether life isn’t just sport. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #life #sport #funny

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny. ↗

— Kate O'Brien

#breaks #funny

We must eschew anything trivial. We must embrace all that is frivolous.... Trivial things take up all your time and dull your senses, whereas frivolity is meaningful, profound, worth living and dying for.... If we devote our lives to frivolity, the world will be a far, far better place. Humanity will be better able to fulfill its primary goal, that of having a good time. ↗

— Cynthia Heimel

#funny #inspirational #funny

Well, I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts. ↗

— J.K. Rowling

#gringotts #ron-weasley #death

As it happens, I’m a terrible dancer. Bears are simply not made for dancing. We’re much better at sitting and sleeping and singing. But there are humans who catch bears and force us to dance. It’s agony. And there are other humans who pay to watch us.’ Hannah sighed. ‘I suppose you’re right to distrust humans.’ ‘And that is why I must eat you,’ said the bear forlornly. ‘For the benefit of the entire bear population of the world. I’m awfully sorry about this.’ ‘That’s all right.’ Hannah shrugged her shoulders. ‘Is there any point in my trying to run away?’ ‘None. We bears may not be able to dance but we are experts when it comes to chasing things.’ ‘What if I climb a tree?’ ‘I’ll climb up after you, or push the tree over. It all depends on what sort of tree you choose to climb. Either way, you’ll end up eaten.’ ‘So be it,’ said Hannah. ‘How should I prepare myself?’ ‘I beg your pardon?’ ‘Will you eat me with my clothes on?’ ‘Of course. Otherwise it would be bad manners. ↗

— Doug MacLeod

#inspirational #random #funny