#funny

I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #funny

I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#blemish #funny #grotesque #humor #mustache

Still nothing," Raven answered "This is shitty. We are going to have to invest in heat sensors. These motion detectors blow Satan's left nut. ↗

— Gabrielle Evans

#humor #serious #faith

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content. 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#books #content #create #enjoyment #family

I saw a bottle of conditioner the other day that said, "Family Size," and I thought, That's odd, I didn't know too many families showered together. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#family-size #funny #humor #risiculous #shower

I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it ↗

— Terry Lander

#comedy #funny #humour #inspiration #life

Leggo my Eggo! ↗

— Kellogg

#funny #food

Dishwashers are an affront to good hygiene. Families today have no concept of the value of washing mouths out by hand. ↗

— Bauvard

#family #funny #humor #hygiene #family

Women were created gullible. It they weren't no babies would be born. ↗

— Dakota Dawn

#funny #humor #truth #wisdom #family

Darling Daddy, Poor Saffy. She had a big fight in the boys toilets on Monday, did you know? A very big fight and Sarah helped and it was terrifying. Said a boy in my class who has a brother who was there. Saffy washed her hands and said Never Ever Never Dare You Touch My Brother. (Indigo). And the plug holes were blocked with hair. Love from Rose. -Sarah's mother has given us soup. Soup soup soup and then it was all gone. L.F.R. ↗

— Hilary McKay

#kids #notes #family