#funny

Put me down, I’m too heavy.” “You’re small enough to fit in my pocket. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#funny #humour #romance #funny

I rubbed at my temple, where the zit was gone. It still hurt a little , though, deep under the skin. I hate those zits that burrow underground. You think they've vanished, but no, they just barricade themselves right next to the bone and hurt. ↗

— Lili St. Crow

#teens #zits #funny

I’m a union man. When I apply for employment I add ‘and wife’ to my personhood status so I can qualify for benefits, like sexual harassment. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#funny #humor #funny

Myth: drawing from history to prime students for learning it after it’s too late. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#history #humor #myth #funny

Other cars resent me because I’m the best driver on the road, but I won’t have to put up with their honks much longer – soon my swing will be good enough for the golf course. ↗

— Bauvard

#golf #humor #road-rage #funny

I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #scam #truth #university

Fair is the progress of the slower sex, and the Ferris wheel provides a great opportunity for making it happen quickly. ↗

— Benson Bruno

#humor #women #funny

Some words have multiple meanings. Scholastic, aware that I'm allergic to preservatives, kindly got someone to translate the phrase "I can only eat food without preservatives" into Italian. They warned me, however, as they taught me how to say it, that the Italian word for "preservatives" is the same as the word for "condom." So that I should be careful how I look when I say it. ↗

— Maggie Stiefvater

#food

The funny thing about my procrastination was that I was almost done with the screenplay. I was like a person who had fought dragons and lost limb and crawled through swamps and now, finally, the castle was visible. I could see tiny children waving flags on the balcony; all I had to do was walk across a field to get to them. But all of a sudden I was very, very sleepy. And the children couldn't believe their eyes as I folded down to my knees and fell to the ground face-first, with my eyes open. Motionless, I watched ants hurry in and out of a hole and I knew that standing up again would be a thousand times harder than the dragon or the swamp and so I did not even try. I just clicked on one thing after another after another. ↗

— Miranda July

#procrastination #funny

I had a lot of ambition for love, but I decided it was time to stop being needy. Now that I'm lazy I've never been more successful. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #laziness #love #needy #success