#funny

Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities. ↗

— Sarah Mayberry

#humour #romance #funny

I’m not one to say I told you so.” Jane sighed. “But I’ll sing it. I toooooold you soooooo!” She finished on one knee, fanning her fingers dramatically. ↗

— Molly Harper

#funny

And it's funny because it was my grandpa who painted it shut (window) in the first place, and he had a whole storage shed full of just about every tool you could imagine. He was one of those guys who thought he could fix anything, but it never worked out quite as well as he planned. He was more of a visionary than a nuts -and bolts kind of guy. ↗

— Nicholas Sparks

#funny

I wish I had only offered you a sovereign instead of ten pounds. Give me back nine pounds, Jane; I’ve a use for it.' 'And so have I, sir,' I returned, putting my hands and my purse behind me. 'I could not spare the money on any account.' 'Little niggard!' said he, 'refusing me a pecuniary request! Give me five pounds, Jane.' 'Not five shillings, sir; nor five pence.' 'Just let me look at the cash.' 'No, sir; you are not to be trusted. ↗

— Charlotte Brontë

#money #funny

Dear Mom, I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge. Love, Steve ↗

— Mac Barnett

#note #sprite #funny

There are four categories of questions Emmily asks: 1. Can I please go to the bathroom? 2. Where is the bathroom? 3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question? 4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks. ↗

— Jim Benton

#dumb #funny #question #funny

I'm happy for the kid and everything, but how the fuck does Lio get a friend before me? I live here. 'I told you I could do it :)' Lio IMs me. I want to rip out that smiley's eyes. ↗

— Hannah Moskowitz

#funny

I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.' 'You are very considerate to explain it this way,' Sugreeva said, 'but I was drunk ↗

— R.K. Narayan

#funny #ramayana #funny

As my grandfather once famously shouted, in a drunken stupor, “You can’t have fish tacos if you still have the hook in your mouth!” And while I have no idea what he meant, or how it’s relevant, I tell that story to any indigenous Mexican I meet who doesn’t speak English. Interestingly, they offer the wisest response possible: they simply nod and smile. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#random #funny

101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind. ↗

— Summersdale Publishers

#funny #humour #woman #womanhood #funny