#funny

A brick can be used as a counting device, particularly if you only need to count up to one.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

I glared at him. “You came all the way to Essex just to spy on us?” “Yeah.” He smirked. “I crossed the street. It was really rough. ↗

— Leila Sales

#funny #funny

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. ↗

— George Bernard Shaw

#humor #optimism #pessimism #funny

Are you in charge here?" the man asks. "No, but I'm full of ideas! ↗

— Dr. Who

#dr-who #funny #funny-and-random #ideas #management

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.
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— Jarod Kintz

#avoiding #evasive #fear #funny #humor

Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#city-of-lost-souls #clary-fray #funny #humor #jace-lightwood

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.
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— Jarod Kintz

#efficiency #entitled #entitlement #funny #government

Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed. "Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs." "Really?" "Oh, yes." She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?" "They just are." "In what way?" "In a magicky way." She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?" "Not really. ↗

— Derek Landy

#derek-landy #funny #humor #magic #skulduggery-pleasant

I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#huey-lewis #humor #news #weird #funny

I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it. 
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— Jarod Kintz

#cigarette #fog #funny #humor #inhale