#funny

I had a dream about you. You were old, and I was an infant, yet we looked identical. And probably because I knew you were going to die soon, I decided to kill you. I told myself it was the merciful thing to do, but secretly I knew the truth—I’d murdered you for your diapers. 
 ↗

— Dora J. Arod

#dreams #funny #humor #life #relationships

I wouldn’t really know too much about pressure. I stay away from it like snow in the Sahara. That reminds me, isn’t it funny how an adage might get lost in cultural translation? For instance, take the saying, “Don’t eat yellow snow.” Well, try telling that to a Bedouin who’s never left the desert and has never seen pictures of other climates. You might have to rephrase it to, “Never eat yellow sand,” which is sort of silly. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#desert #funny #humor #pressure #surreal

I’m sexually attracted to statues made out of decomposing food. Is it normal to be hungry during intercourse? 
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#decomposing #food #funny #humor #hunger

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. ↗

— Groucho Marx

#simplicity #funny

It's a funny thing about stories. It doesn't feel like you make them up, more like you find them. You type and type and you know you haven't got it yet, because somewhere out there, there's that perfect thing -- the unexpected ending that was always going to happen. That place you've always been heading for, but never expected to go. ↗

— Steven Moffat

#funny

I spend most of my life naked. In fact, I often have to be told by the people around me that it's inappropriate to be as naked as I am. ↗

— Adam Levine

#funny #hot #funny

Woah, their gorgeous not so fast I haven't even catched your name or your number" - Jaxson Evans ↗

— Brit Gosik

#random #romantic #sexy #funny

You're not celibate, then?" I breathe. Amusement lights up his eyes. "No, Anastasia, I'm not celibate. ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia #anastasia-steele #celibate #christian #christian-grey

Holy shit! Can we say unstable? Was I the only sane one around here? Well, I guess that really wasn’t setting the standard very high." -Ember, Darkness Of Light ↗

— Stacey Marie Brown

#demons #fae #funny-quotes #paranormal-romance #quotes-i-love

« Quote of the day: “Friendship is like peeing your pants; everyone can see it but only you can feel it». ↗

— Penny Reid

#friendship