#funny

The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store. ↗

— Jodi Picoult

#humorous #funny

Why send roses? Wouldn’t it be more romantic to deliver a dozen orgasms? For only $19.95, I’ll deliver them to your woman any day of the year. But be sure to book early for Valentine’s Day.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#flowers #funny #humor #love #naughty

But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - " Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this. ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor #witty #funny

You're doing fucking awesome, Colt whispers in my ear and I can't help but smile at that. Only he would use the word 'fuck' at my mom's funeral. ↗

— Nyrae Dawn

#funny

I am so stupid, so easily fooled. It's really almost funny. If I could lift a finger I would gladly kill myself. ↗

— Will Christopher Baer

#stupidity #suicide #funny

I believe in evolution in the sense that a short-tempered man is the successor of a crybaby. ↗

— Criss Jami

#belief #clever #comparison #control #crying

Everyone praises the endurance of the ascetic, but no one appreciates the stamina of the hedonist. To laugh until the throat burns and smoke a cigar to soothe it, to black out but not pass out, to love without climax, to be immortal in the moment – what stoic has such fortitude? ↗

— Bauvard

#hedonism #humor #pleasure #stoicism #funny

For native wit, I only chuckle in American comedy clubs. The jokes about reservations and alcoholism make me feel ashamed, but I don’t want to offend anybody. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #native-americans #funny

I want to have a bunch of kids so I can open a factory and have free labor. Beat that, China! ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#factory #funny #humor #kids #labor

All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #love #age