#funny

Every time the wind blows I think of her. I wonder if I could generate electricity off my yearning. Maybe a mind wind farm of some kind. Hopefully I could provide enough power for all the lonely people in my bathtub to stay warm. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#electricity #funny #humor #lonely #power

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#hermaphrodite #humor #respect #change

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. ↗

— Tallulah Bankhead

#again #had #i #life #live

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. ↗

— Gillian Flynn

#burping #cheap-beer #cool-girls #dirty-jokes #gang-bang

I have a book of matches. I wrote it myself. The Spanish Inquisitors would love to burn it.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#burning-books #funny #humor #matches #spanish-inquisitors

The Princess Bride S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it. ↗

— William Goldman

#authors #funny #high-expectations #narrative #princess-bride

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn’t have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name. ↗

— Rucy Ban

#funny #humor #love #romantic #witty

I’m glad you’re gay,” she said solemnly, “because that way, if I can’t have you, no one can.” “Um, Rocher,” I mentioned, “like, a dude could have him.” This had never occurred to Rocher because she’d thought that Jate being gay translated as, “I love Rocher Bargemueller so much but I don’t deserve her so I’ll never have sex again.” The concept of Jate with a guy was fresh turf and Rocher regarded him with an especially deranged sparkle in her eyes. “I could be a dude,” she said. ↗

— Paul Rudnick

#humor #love

Ella let out a squeal when I picked her up, “Jonathan!” I loved carrying her around in my arms. After all, modern man is just an illusion, we’re all still cavemen. We just wear better clothes now. ↗

— R. Matthews

#romance-novels #love

I pull my cigarette from my mouth and take a look around, meeting the eyes of my friends carefully,so they'll know how serious I am right now. First person to laugh gets punched.“I'm in love. ↗

— C.M. Stunich

#kinda-funny #love