#funny

Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners. ↗

— Patricia Briggs

#funny

I try not to laugh at the fact that even when she’s drunk, she has a hard time saying it. “Where do you want me to take you?” She drops her head back against my chest. “You can just keep carrying me. It’s very relaxing. ↗

— Jessica Sorensen

#funny #jessica-sorensen #kayden-and-callie #funny

Some girls want to be a princess when they grow up. I wanted to be in a bad bitch girl gang. ↗

— Natalia Kills

#bitch #funny #funny

Blackmailers never explain their thinking. They're like pirates that way. Dark-hearted, dangerous--- and cool like Johnny Depp. ↗

— Janette Rallison

#janette-rallison #thatsaquote #funny

He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. “Mmm. You smell so good.” “Oh, yeah,” I said, smirking. “I call this new perfume ‘Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.’ ” “Dirt and sweat. Very sexy. ↗

— James Patterson

#humor #lol #love #otp #qué-romántico

The funny thing is that although we place so much energy and importance on our wedding day, it isn't the biggest day of our life. The biggest day of your life is every day thereafter. Because it's not the pledge to love someone that matters, but the act of fulfilling that pledge that is most important. In other words, it's only just begun. ↗

— Laura Wolf

#wedding #funny

..As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice. ↗

— Markus Zusak

#funny

As a salesman, it’s not enough to be able to sell a toilet to a man who’s got to pee. You’ve got to make him pay you for the privilege of pissing his pants. Don’t sell him a toilet. Don’t sell him pants. Sell him a privilege. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#privilege #salesman #sell #funny

She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And douche. ↗

— Larissa Ione

#paranormal #funny

So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it. ↗

— Yahtzee Croshaw

#americans #funny #superheroes #funny