#hilarious

Happy is one of the many things I'm likely to be over the course of a day and certainly over the course of a lifetime. But I think if you have the expectation that you're going to be happy throughout your life--more to the point, if you have a need to be comfortable all the time--well, among other things, you have the makings of a classic drug addict or alcoholic. ↗

— Carrie Fisher

#life

Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it. ↗

— Rory Freedman

#love

Rocher was on the floor, crawling on her stomach toward Jate's feet. "I love you...," she kept repeating, in a demonic whisper. "I have to show you... my butt. ↗

— Paul Rudnick

#jate #rocher #tattoo #love

So..." Heather nodded slowly. "We're still here." "Yep. I think your team of SWAT guys got lost. Probably looking for their shirts." She made a face at him. "You're effing hilarious." "I try. ↗

— Chelsea Fine

#chelsea-fine #gabriel #heather #hilarious

When the officer approached the window, he said ‘Papers’ and before he could finish, I shouted, ‘Scissors! I win,’ and drove off. ↗

— Kyle Adams

#hilarious

Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him. "There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says. Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor." "The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?" Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything. ↗

— Tara Sivec

#jenny #vibrator-race #hilarious

Huh," said Percy. "Never seen Jason fly before. He looks like a blond superman. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#so-percy #hilarious

He always believed that people live up or down to the amount of trust you put in them. ↗

— Hilary Duff

#people #trust #hilarious

so the story goes but theres something you should know before i walk away and i blow the ending i never want to be without you oh no here i go now you know what i feel about you theres no running must have been wrong to doubt you oh there i go no control and i'm fallen so now you know ↗

— Hilary Duff

#hilary-duff #now-you-know #hilarious

Today, salute, mile, serve, deep. And I am never doing that again.-Kavi ↗

— Hilari Bell

#hilari-bell #kavi #hilarious