#hilarious

You will be interested to hear, Hilary, that it [the drug] had a most remarkable effect — even on Selena after a very modest quantity. She cast off all conventional restraints and devoted herself without shame to the pleasure of the moment." I asked for particulars of this uncharacteristic conduct. "She took from her handbag a paperback edition of Pride and Prejudice and sat on the sofa reading it, declining all offers of conversation. ↗

— Sarah Caudwell

#humour #jane-austen #hilarious

(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare at the hole in my neck. Sometimes it feels like it has a beacon in it, flashing for the entire world to see, except it's not cool like the Bat signal. ↗

— Keary Taylor

#funny #hilarious #witty #funny

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid." "What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner. "Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship? ↗

— L.A. Gilbert

#the-truth-about-cats #love

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts. ↗

— Daniel Tosh

#daniel-tosh #funny #hilarious #change

You’d throw yourself in front of a bus for me.” She would and he knew it.He knew it and she knew that he felt that knowledge burrow deep and he liked it. Elle felt tears stinging the backs of her eyes, her body melted into his,her arms tightened around him and she whispered back, “Yes,Pren,though I hope I never get the chance. ↗

— Kristen Ashley

#hilarious #love #love

She was going to go to her room,munch on chocolate,then collapse into bed. And if her upstairs neighbors decided to talk about who the daddy was or cry again about how much David was loved,she'd go up there and give them somthing to really bloody cry about. ↗

— Suzanne Wright

#depress #hilarious #hot #sex #love

I decided to masturbate with shampoo instead of conditioner today. Because yolo. Things Jesus never said. ↗

— Dave Matthes

#bastard #booze #comedy #conditioner #crack

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious. ↗

— Bill Hicks

#funny #gets #hilarious #hurt #just

Piers looked up at him. 'You're new. What's your name?' 'Neythen, my lord.' 'Sounds like a terrible illness. No, more like a bowel problem. I'm sorry, Lord Sandys, your son has contracted neythen and won't live a month. No, no, there's nothing I can do. Sandys would have preferred hearing that to syphilis. ↗

— Eloisa James

#hilarious #make-fun-of #teasing #beauty

Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere. ↗

— C.S. Lewis

#hilarious #escape