#hilarious

I'll never forget my 24th birthday when my tooth got punched out. And for a second I was like, it would be really hilarious if I sold it on eBay. But I can't, that's just too creepy. I don't think I can go there. ↗

— Evan Rachel Wood

#creepy #ebay #forget #go #got

Why not try thinking of your life as hilarious rather than nightmarish? ↗

— Julia Sweeney

#life #rather #than #thinking #try

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. ↗

— John Oliver

#hilarious #baseball

A million dollars? A bit much don't you think?" "Fuck you." Caleb smiled, the self indulgent little shit. "My apologies," he mocked with a slight forward bow, "What I meant to say is: no pussy's that good. Though yours does come close. ↗

— C.J. Roberts

#hilarious-but-true #humor

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly. ↗

— Victoria Scott

#lol #sarcasm-humor #humor

It wasn’t enough that I had to worry about playing well and winning the game, but I also had to deal with possibility that one of my teammates could be dragged off the field by the inhabitants of the mental hospital. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essays #funny #hilarious #humor

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid." "What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner. "Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship? ↗

— L.A. Gilbert

#the-truth-about-cats #love

Hadn’t retired reporter Stan warned him of how protective Cosimo was of his granddaughters? What if the Carusos had discovered his identity and wanted to rub him out as they’d rubbed out his father? Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. ↗

— Christie Ridgway

#hilarious #prayer #death

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don't know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch. ↗

— Steph Campbell

#hilarious #sopapilla-cheesecake-bars #diet

Happy is one of the many things I'm likely to be over the course of a day and certainly over the course of a lifetime. But I think if you have the expectation that you're going to be happy throughout your life--more to the point, if you have a need to be comfortable all the time--well, among other things, you have the makings of a classic drug addict or alcoholic. ↗

— Carrie Fisher

#life