#hum

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it ↗

— Bill Hicks

#christians #comedy #creationism #creationists #funny

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not? ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#boyfriend #ever #funny #high #humor

Excellent posture is the most important personality trait in an effective salesman. It allows him to pass for a vertebrate. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #personality #posture #salesmen #vertebrates

—¿Acabas de... lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir... —¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar. —Jesús, nunca termines esa oración. En realidad, nunca cambies eso. Gracias. La boca de ella se abrió. —Ustedes esperan de mí que nunca tenga... —Ésta no es una conversación con la que quiera empezar mi día. — Dawson agarró su mochila de la mesa de la cocina—. Estoy yéndome a la escuela antes de que esto se vuelva todavía más detallado. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor #spanish #virgen #funny

We didn’t-?” I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can’t complete the question. I stare at my hands. “Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly. ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia #anastasia-steele #christian #christian-grey #e-l-james

If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.' 'Is he UNstable?' 'I don't know, how can I tell? You're the crazy whisperer!' She had a point. Claire couldn't help but smile about that. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #humorous #funny

Much of the Kama Sutra is like origami; I don’t quite understand all the bending that needs to happen. ↗

— Erica Goros

#humor #sex #funny

A brick could be used as a Disappointment Cube. Here, I’m giving mine to you, because you really bummed me out, man.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear? ↗

— Renita D'Silva

#funny-humor #humor #humour #india #indian-author

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour? ↗