#hum

Bragging about your compassion is the first step towards feeling a genuine emotion. ↗

— Bauvard

#compassion #emotion #funny #humor #funny

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey. ↗

— Charlotte Perkins Gilman

#funny #hats #humor #humour #women

When you are stripped of your primogeniture, the only way to prove your birthright is to take off your pants. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #nudity #primogeniture #funny

Asthma attack: a technique to coach women through their contractions, induced by fear of the result. ↗

— Bauvard

#birth #funny #humor #funny

Buddhism: a violent religion that has compensated for the exploding human population by causing whole species of animal vessels to go extinct. ↗

— Bauvard

#extinction #funny #humor #funny

The sexy don't get wrinkles, they add love lines like a tree adds rings. So climb on them for the view. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #love #sexiness #tree-rings

Artemis grit her teeth. "I need a favor. I have some hunting to do, alone. I need you to take my companions to Camp Half-Blood." "Sure Sis!" then he raised his hands in a "stop everything" gesture. "I feel a haiku comIng on." The Hunters all groaned. Apparently they'd met Apollo before. He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically. "Green grass breaks through snow. Artemis pleads for my help. I am so awesome. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#artemis #funny #humor #percy-jackson #funny

It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.
 ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cheating #foggy #funny #hide #hiding

The following Discourse [on art, by Sir Joshua Reynolds] is particularly Interesting to Blockheads as it endeavours to prove that There is No such thing as Inspiration & that any Man of a plain Understanding may by Thieving from Others become a Mich Angelo. ↗

— William Blake

#art-feuds #blake #humor #reynolds #snark

I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. ↗

— Chelsea Handler

#comedy #dogs #funny #humor #humorous