#hum

I do not scruple to employ mendacity and a fictitious appearance of female incompetence when the occasion demands it. ↗

— Elizabeth Peters

#humor #women #humor

I should have mixed something stronger than Coke floats. ↗

— Rachel Vincent

#humor

‎No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time. ↗

— Salman Rushdie

#humor #india #past #time #humor

Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans! ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#coffee #humor #humor

I try to make my comments like a woman's skirt: long enough to be respectable and short enough to be interesting. ↗

— Adam Clayton Powell

#guide #how-to #humor #men #women

Bring it, Darth Bathrobe! ↗

— Jim Butcher

#harry-dresden #humor #humor

Why couldn't the merciful God turn down the sunlight so it wasn't blasting like a red furnace against his aching eyes? Because he'd worshipped the god of beer, thats why. He'd broken a commandment and worshipped the false and foamy god of beer. And now he was being punished. ↗

— Nora Roberts

#humor

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus. ↗

— Jonathan Safran Foer

#humorous #sex #humor

I’m beginning to sense a theme,” Mircea said, tossing his suit coat over a buckskin-covered chair. A moose head with huge, outspread antlers loomed over it, its bright glass eyes looking oddly lifelike in the low light. Mircea took in the room, his expression slightly repulsed yet fascinated. “I believe there is only one thing to say at this point.” What’s that?” Yee haw,” he said gravely, and took me down like a rodeo calf. ↗

— Karen Chance

#cassie #humor #mircea #humor

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot. ↗

— Brian P. Cleary

#humor #humor