#hum

My mother always advised me not to trust a dead person. ↗

I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience. ↗

— Jane Austen

#inside-jokes #humor

Glitter and streamers of light swirled around us, and a chorus of tiny voices sang out a single note. I winced, knowing there was only one person who thought a normal entrance, like walking through a door, wasn’t good enough for her; she had to announce her presence with sparkle and glitter and St. Peter’s choir. ↗

— Julie Kagawa

#humor #magic #puck #humor

I don't see why I should bow my head when I could hold it high, or place it in the hands of my enemies when I can defeat them. ↗

— José Rizal

#humor #humor

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written "Today I will masterbate--if I want to! ↗

— Al Franken

#humor #masturbation #sex #freedom

YOU have no room to laugh, that's all. I'm not doing any worse with Boovish than you did with English.' Get off of the car,' J.Lo huffed. 'I am an English superstar.' Uh-uh. There's no comparison. 'Gratuity' in written Boovish has seventeen different bubbles that all have to be the right size and in the right place. 'J.Lo' in written English only has three letters, and you still spelled it 'M-smiley face-pound sign. ↗

— Adam Rex

#humor

Goodness me, the clock has struck- Alackday, and fuck my luck. ↗

— Kurt Vonnegut

#humor

No...I...I had this spicy Mexican food last night. It's only a bad case of heartburn. I don't need an exorcism. i need some Pepto-Bismo! ↗

— Michelle Rowen

#food

I live for a woman who scratches, just make sure to keep it on the back, baby, I dont like scars." ~Otto Carvalletti ↗

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

#humor

At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on there clothes to keep them from being stolen. ↗