#humor

DeAngelo blew up my bus, so I filled his car with shit. Genius, right?" "DeAngelo didn't blow up the bus," Connie said. "I just got the report from the fire marshal. The coffeemaker shorted out and started the fire." Some of the color left Vinnie's face. "Say what?" "Oh man," Lula said. "DeAngelo is gonna be pissed. Least he won't know who did it." "I left a note," Vinnie said. Lula gave a hoot of laughter and fell off her chair. ↗

— Janet Evanovich

#humor

City people. They may know how to street fight but they don't know how to wade through manure. ↗

— Melina Marchetta

#country #humor #rural-life #humor

The panther prowled around me in a loose, wide circle. Its mouth turned down, almost in a pout, and it seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to run away. Or scream, at the very least. Its tail, which was at least three feet long, twitched back and forth in what seemed to be annoyance. Or maybe anticipation. I didn't know. I'd always been more of a dog person. I cleared my throat, and the panther stopped and flicked up one of its rounded ears. Listening. "Um, nice kitty? ↗

— Jennifer Estep

#humor #ya #humor

I'm what is known as perimenopausal. "Peri", some of you may know, is a Latin prefix meaning 'SHUT YOUR FLIPPIN' PIE HOLE". ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#menopause #humor

How many kids are in the Graveyard?" "A bunch." "Who sends your supplies?" "George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget." "How often do you receive new arrivals?" "About as often as you beat your wife. ↗

— Neal Shusterman

#humorous #risa-ward #sarcasm #sarcastic #snark

There is a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.' - Boston, Mass., Oct. 3, 2000 ↗

— George W. Bush

#humor #trust #humor

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. ↗

— Dennis Wholey

#humor

Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it." Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?" "I've never swam naked in the Thames, but I know I wouldn't like it. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#tessa-gray #will-herondale #humor

His thoughts inhabit a different plane from those of ordinary men; the simplest interpretation of that is to call him crazy. ↗

— Juliet Marillier

#differences #humor #individuality #humor

NEVER INTERFERE WITH MELENGAR AGAIN BY ORDER OF THE KING … AND US ↗

— Michael J. Sullivan

#humor #humor