#humor

I honk at protestors to show my support, and also tell them to get the fuck out of my way. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #protest #funny

I think therefore I am... I think. ↗

— George Carlin

#george-carlin #humor #funny

If I could get hold of something nasty and drop it in the coffee urn, I could poison them all." "Too bad your personality's not water-soluble. ↗

— Jesse Hajicek

#humor #funny

You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?" "Only a man would think of that. It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#funny #humor #irony #men #weapons

I compensate for my debauchery by being brilliant at it. I make sacrifices for it by waking up in a gutter covered in the fruits of my genius. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humor #funny

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She’d bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena’s, which had led to Mount Olympus’s first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#athena #funny #humor #lol #wicked

Hey, check this weirdo out." Hi was inspecting a bust on the mantel. "This face is ninety percent eyebrow. What do you want to bet he owned slaves?" Scowling to match the carving's expression, Hi spoke in a gravelly voice. "In my day, we ate the poor people. We had a giant outdoor grill, and we cooked up peasant steaks every Sunday." ↗

— Kathy Reichs

#funny #hi #humor #kathy-reichs #poor-people

I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.' He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.' 'Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses. ↗

— Mindee Arnett

#funny #humorous #quote #funny

Sacrifice without sweat is a double appearance, but only half an illusion. People think you've done good, but they know you look good. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #sacrifice #funny

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face. ↗

— Bauvard

#happiness #humor #love #sleep #smiling