#humor

PRECOGNITION, TELEPATHY, BULLSHIT! EAT MY DONG, YOU EXTRASENSORY TURKEY! ↗

Logician: a mathematician who can’t count posing as a philosopher who can’t moralize. ↗

I ran into an old friend on the street and we started up a conversation. Four hours and six bottles of wine later, we decided the weather was just too unpredictable, and we parted ways. ↗

— Bauvard

#friendship #funny #humor #weather #friendship

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab. ↗

— Irvine Welsh

#humanity #humor #jobs #funny

biology The film turns out to be about bees. It is a film about a bee center. How crap is this going to be? an hour later That was the best thing I have seen for ages. We made Miss Wilson rewind the bit where the two queens were having a bitch fight. ↗

— Louise Rennison

#georgia-nicolson #humor #age

I don’t worry about identity theft, because I don’t even know who I am as a person. So if I’m not even in possession of my own identity, how can it be stolen from me?  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bizarre #funny #humor #random #random-thought

Pie in a bed of raw onions. Human skull looking put-upon. -- Howl ↗

— Diana Wynne Jones

#humor #funny

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs.  ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

Hang your merit. I don't seek anyone's approbation. ↗

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

#approval #black-humor #disapproval #dishonesty #funny

Unless you're under 12 or into role playing, you shouldn't be wearing Mickey Mouse ears #AHOLE ↗