#humor

It is degrading to encourage something you would never do yourself. That is why I never give advice to young people. ↗

— Bauvard

#funny #humiliation #humor #youth #funny

Mass narcolepsy is one of the more fortunate side effects of profundity. It ensures everyone will have a singular awareness of life that won’t overlap with yours. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #narcolepsy #profundity #sleeping #funny

He seemed only ... annoyed. Annoyed, and sweaty, and hot. "Yeah, well," he said, "the next time you decide to sneak out of our magically warded apartment through a door that shouldn't really exist, leave a note. ↗

— Cassandra Clare

#cassandra-clare #city-of-lost-souls #clary-fray #humor #jace-lightwood

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it ↗

— Bill Hicks

#christians #comedy #creationism #creationists #funny

So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not? ↗

— K.A. Mitchell

#boyfriend #ever #funny #high #humor

Excellent posture is the most important personality trait in an effective salesman. It allows him to pass for a vertebrate. ↗

— Bauvard

#humor #personality #posture #salesmen #vertebrates

—¿Acabas de... lavar un plato? —Dee retrocedió lentamente, parpadeando. Miró a Daemon—. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir... —¡No! —gritaron los hermanos al unísono. Daemon parecía que en realidad iba a vomitar. —Jesús, nunca termines esa oración. En realidad, nunca cambies eso. Gracias. La boca de ella se abrió. —Ustedes esperan de mí que nunca tenga... —Ésta no es una conversación con la que quiera empezar mi día. — Dawson agarró su mochila de la mesa de la cocina—. Estoy yéndome a la escuela antes de que esto se vuelva todavía más detallado. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humor #spanish #virgen #funny

We didn’t-?” I whisper, my mouth drying in mortified horror as I can’t complete the question. I stare at my hands. “Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing. I like my women sentient and receptive,” he says dryly. ↗

— E.L. James

#anastasia #anastasia-steele #christian #christian-grey #e-l-james

If Myrnin pokes his crazy head up before then, call me and try to keep him, you know, stable.' 'Is he UNstable?' 'I don't know, how can I tell? You're the crazy whisperer!' She had a point. Claire couldn't help but smile about that. ↗

— Rachel Caine

#funny #humorous #funny

Much of the Kama Sutra is like origami; I don’t quite understand all the bending that needs to happen. ↗

— Erica Goros

#humor #sex #funny