#humor

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. ↗

— Tallulah Bankhead

#sex #vice #humor

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm not blonde either. ↗

— Dolly Parton

#confession #humor

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. ↗

— Bill Watterson

#humor

Now lemme get this straight," she said in a throaty, nasal voice. "You put the lime in the cocanut and drink 'em both up--whoa, long faces. What am I interrupting? ↗

— Lauren Kate

#humor #humor

When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? ↗

— Billy Connolly

#lost #humor

Ransom really looked at the other man for the first time, shook his head, stared again.“Holy hell, your eyes are like a fucking viper’s.” Venom raised an eyebrow.“You have hair prettier than one of Astaad’s concubines.” Ransom gave the vampire the finger. Venom grinned. ↗

— Nalini Singh

#hunters #ransom #vampires #venom #humor

Who's going to rob us? A crackhead crab? A jellyfish junkie? ↗

— Kathy Reichs

#humor

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? ↗

— Phyllis Diller

#humor #humor

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Yes!" Narissus unslung his bow and grabbed an arrow from his dusty quiver. "The first one who get that bronze, I will like you almost as much as I like me. I might even kiss you, right after I kiss my reflection!" "Oh my gods!" the nymphs squealed. ↗

— Rick Riordan

#bronze #echo #hazel-levesque #humor #leo-valdez