#humor

Sign by elevator put up by computer geeks in office building: REMEMBER: FIRST YOU PILAGE, THEN YOU BURN. THOSE WHO DO NOT COMPLY WILL BE SUSPENDED FROM THE RAIDING TEAM. In Mr Perfect ↗

— Linda Howard

#humor

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that. ↗

— Aziz Ansari

#around #audiences #base #because #cheap

Food first,” Kellen said firmly, “because I’m a really good cook, and I want you to experience the full awesomeness. And then bed, nice and slow, for pretty much the same reason. ↗

— Kaje Harper

#experience

Every man's Reason is sufficient for his guidance, if used. ↗

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

#humor

The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child. ↗

— Weston Locher

#comedy #essay #funny #humor #death

I liked the premise of this material. I love the marriage relationship. They kind of keep each other honest, and they enjoy each other's sense of humor. Kind of a sexy but boring relationship. ↗

— Patricia Arquette

#each #enjoy #honest #humor #i

So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?! ↗

— Natsuki Takaya

#anger

It's mighty strange for a U-Haul the size of the one Nina rented to show up at the residence when no one has died and a family isn't hauling out furniture. The patients parked in the wheelchairs in the shade think they might have missed some news: "George was watching the TV one minute, then was gone the next." That's the story they like to hear. ↗

— Holley Rubinsky

#humor #family

Calvin: Look, a dead bird! Hobbes: It must've hit a window. Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. Hobbes: No doubt. ↗

— Bill Watterson

#beauty

How I should despise such a thing if I were a man. What a nose she has! what a chin! what a neck! Then her eyes--and the worst kissing lips in the universe. ↗

— John Vanbrugh

#comparison #humor #beauty