#humor

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#exercises #humorous-quotes #diet

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. ↗

— George Carlin

#dream #funny #humor #wealth #dreams

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor #dreams

Then you remember the dream,” Mencheres stated. “That bodes ill.”   The fear of that made my reply snappy. “Hey, Walks Like An Egyptian, how about for once you drop the formal stuff and talk like you live in the twenty-first century?”   The shit’s gonna splatter, start buggin’, yo,” Mencheres responded instantly.   I stared at him, then burst out laughing, which was highly inappropriate considering the very grave warning he’d just conveyed. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#dreams

See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?” A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#dreams

Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future. ↗

— Bauvard

#contraception #funny #humor #funny

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #future #humor #love #lust

Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way. ↗

— Laurell K. Hamilton

#sexual #thought #dreams

My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them. My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#foreign-countries #fun #holidays #humor #traffic

On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#humor #murder #surreal #dreams