#humor

A brick could be used to make the world safer for our children. Well, not our children, as I don't actually have any kids—but certainly your children. Skeptical? A brick could better protect your children than all the Federal government agencies combined.
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— Jarod Kintz

#brick-and-blanket-iq-test #brick-and-blanket-responses #brick-and-blanket-test #brick-and-blanket-uses #funny

But when they offered this little situation for me to do this voice in this special segment, I found it so incredibly humorous that I said yes, and I enjoyed it. It was fun. ↗

— Werner Klemperer

#found #fun #humorous #i #incredibly

Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did. ↗

— Elizabeth Gilbert

#humor #food

Love walked in the door like a dusty cowboy, and I looked that cowboy dead in his eyes and said, “I thought I shot you.” And his eyes never blinked, wavered, or watered as he said, “You did. You shot me in the leg. But you can’t kill love that easily. And today you’re going to learn how deadly Love can be.” That was over four years ago, and I’m still alive. So that was his plan all along, to serve me up a super slow death. Sort of like torture, only imperceptible and more pleasant. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#cowboy #funny #humor #love #age

Being in love, as both Plato and David Bowie have pointed out, is horrible. ↗

— Stefano Benni

#humor #love #plato #humor

I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#bacon #funny #humor #love #surreal

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. ↗

— Erma Bombeck

#courage

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#blood #book #fantasy #food #funny

It's a good thing you're an aging orphan," he murmured, gently pushing the hair away from her face. "I don't have to wait around to get anyone's permission." "Permission for what, you rat bastard?" she said. "Such language, dragon. I'm afraid you're going to have to marry me. ↗

— Anne Stuart

#love #proposal #romance #age

I am the Love Camel of Llama Land. Come, hop on my hump and let me lead you to water. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #love #age