#humor

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments. ↗

— Robert Orben

#humor

It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it. ↗

— Mindy Kaling

#fame #humor #kaling #mindy #murder

You lying lunatic bastard. They're going to kill you." "I love you too," he murmured. "Go find Seph. ↗

— Cinda Williams Chima

#humor #jason #madison #humor

I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot. ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#the-star #humor

I don't know why I go to school unless for kicks, oh well might as well do dissect a frog. ↗

— S.E. Hinton

#humor

Supposedly, guys think about sex every eight seconds. If that's true, how can they talk to their grandmothers? ↗

— Jody Gehrman

#sex #humor

If your workplace was somehow transplanted into the jungle and everyone was forced to survive at a very primitive level, it's safe to say that eventually your boss would rape you. ↗

— Scott Dikkers

#matt #work #humor

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. ↗

— George Carlin

#humor

Is 'tired old cliché' one? ↗

— Steven Wright

#humor

Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement. The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now! ↗

— Celia Rivenbark

#religion #humor