#humor

I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job. ↗

— Jarod Kintz

#funny #humor #surreal #funny

In a desperate attempt to stay young forever we have achieved eternal childishness, rather than eternal youth. ↗

— Daniel Prokop

#growing-up #humor #maturity #never-growing-up #humor

Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon. ↗

— J.R. Ward

#cancer #humor #life #smoking #humor

Note to self-give serious thought to becoming an alcoholic. ↗

— Jill Shalvis

#humor

Far below, I heard Cacus bellowing as millions, maybe even thousands of filthy gallons of water slammed into him. Meanwhile, Annabeth alternately shouted, gagged, hit me, called me endearing pet names like, "Idiot! Stupid--dirty--moron--" and topped it all off with "Kill you! ↗

— Rick Riordan

#humor

There is right and there is wrong, I have NEVER been wrong. ↗

— John Waters

#filth #humor #humor

Things just happen, one after another. They don't care who knows. But history... ah, history is different. History has to be observed. Otherwise it's not history. It's just... well, things happening one after another. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#history #humor #humor

You can never tell about a person by guessing...that's why language was invented. Otherwise, we'd all be like dogs, sniffing each other to find out where we stood. ↗

— Alice Hoffman

#humor

Not kill us," Pigeon corrected. "She was mainly just trying to turn us into mindless slaves. ↗

— Brandon Mull

#slavery #humor

I have forgiven Jesus for all of the love he placed in me, when there's no one I can turn to with this love. ↗

— Morrissey

#lyrics #music #humor