#humorous

The real problem with stories - if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death ↗

— Neil Gaiman

#death

Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt) ↗

— Darynda Jones

#humor

Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death. ↗

— Terry Pratchett

#humor #humorous-quotations #ironic #irony #death

I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I’d already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire’s face, however, it was a blur. ↗

— Kristen Middleton

#humorous #movie-inspirational #dreams

My question was:How did I go from merely seeing the dirty French Santa in a bar to being in his hotel room the next morning? And this presented me with an actual equation. How did one plus one equal old French Santa? ↗

— Augusten Burroughs

#equality

Once I got home, though, and saw several packages on my front porch, all the crap from the day disappeared. A few had smiley faces on them. Squealing, I grabbed the boxes. Books were inside-- new release books I'd preordered weeks ago. ↗

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

#humorous #humor

A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty. ↗

— Elizabeth Jane Howard

#rainy-day #humor

It’s alright, Kitten,” Bones said. “He won’t shoot.” Tate lowered his gun, even as the sudden dizziness from blood-loss made me sway. Bones took my gun and casually handed it to Juan, who gapped at him in amazement. “You called her Kitten? And she let you? She put me in a coma for three days when I called her that. My balls never recovered from her smashing them into my spine.” “And well she should have,” Bones agreed. “She’s mine. Kitten, and no one else’s. ↗

— Jeaniene Frost

#humor

What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks. I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say in my best seductive voice. Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.” “Really,” I say. “I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling. ↗

— Suzanne Collins

#humor

This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus. ↗

— Jonathan Safran Foer

#humorous #sex #humor